Moving in to the future, the
chronology of my transition......
My long awaited transition to womanhood has officially begun with my first laser hair removal session on March 29th, 2012, I had this done at a Spa in Yuma and the entire staff at the spa have treated me with dignity and respect and are giving me full support in my transition. The Spa offers a myriad of services that will help me in my path to womanhood and I'm tickled that the girls are all interested in being there with me throughout my transition.
The next step in my transition comes with my doctor appointment April 3rd where I'll ask for a consult to see a Gender Therapist. Years ago I wondered if this day would ever come. Now that it's here, I find it hard to believe that it's not a dream any more...my transition is actually happening.
I guess I didn't need to bore you with all this...but I'm just so happy!
---------UPDATE....April 27th, 2012-------------
I had my second laser hair removal treatment yesterday..and am happy with the results so far. While at the spa I had a consult and estimate for filler. Probably in July I'll be able to get filler in my lips to plump them up ('cause I've been told I aint got no lips...lol), and following my lips in a short period of time (as money allows) I'll get filler in my cheeks to make them more prominent. Haven't decided on Botox in my forehead though. That stuff kinda scares me.
Before I left the Spa, I received a professional makeover, matched colors to my face and ordered my new supply of La Bella Donna makeup. Was fun spending the afternoon being pampered. A friends wife, Susan, accompanied me and we had a really good time spending a girls afternoon out. I can't wait 'til the next time.
Total cost for filler and botox..before discounts is about $1800. Much cheaper to get results from a couple injections each year than the facial surgery I'd initially planned.
Also upcoming on May 8th (next week) is my first Gender Therapy session at the VA. I'm still pinching myself to make sure doing all this is really happening.
--------ANOTHER UPDATE - May 20, 2012--------
Well, I'm in the midwest now. I pulled out of Yuma on May 9th after dropping by the Spa to pick up my makeup and a quick makeover. Pulling out of Yuma, one has to drive thru the US Border Patrol check point. Yes, I did this as a girl this time...and couldn't believe the treatment I received from the Border Patrol officer. I pulled up with my window down, he greeted me with "Good afternoon Ma'am", then waved me thru and said "have a nice afternoon". I had to think for a minute...did he just tell me to go? Did he not notice I was a guy dressed like a woman? Did I really pass as a woman? Damn, I did!! and have spent the majority of my time since I left Yuma...as a woman. DAMN it feels GOOD!!!!!
Arriving in Cincinnati, I dropped all my wife's stuff off with her and made a whole bunch of room for Kristyns clothes in the fifth wheel. Much lighter now and getting better fuel mileage too! Yippee!!!
That's all from west central Indiana...
----------------Yet another UPDATE-----------------
I'm on my back to Yuma...and Oh how I love being a girl!!!!
I finally dug the camera out and bought a new tripod. The result?? Take a look at the pic's I've just taken (the 2012 pic's). Not too bad for a girl that's pushing 60, huh??
The trip back from Ohio took me down I-75 to Tennessee where I hung a right on I-40 to Nashville and then cut down the Natchez Trace Parkway National Park. Hitting Jackson MS, I hung a right and cut across to Shreveport LA, then a half left across Texas on the "itty bitty skinny roads" to Austin, then south to San Antonio where I spent the day with an old army buddy before heading back to Yuma (is that a run on sentence or what?). My trip was a girl trip. Yes, Kristyn was behind the wheel almost the entire month on the road...how good it felt!
___________and, another update___June 26, 2312__________
Life as a girl is good!
As I'm now a few months in to my journey to womanhood, I've begun taking care of the little things to make life easier for me in the future. Like telling friends of my "little" secret..that I'm changing my gender to who I really am. I'm amazed that every person I've told, has been super supportive of me and my future. The typical response I get whether close friends, business associates or people I meet, is "good for you". Shopping has been a lot easier recently as Kristyn has her own credit cards now...and does she ever make use of them...LOL.
Gender Therapy session again tomorrow. Thursday will be my 4th laser treatment of my facial hair. It's so nice now after 3 treatments to only have to shave every other day instead of twice a day. After Christina finishes my laser treatment, I'll be off to see Jaime to have my bi-weekly trim, shape and wax of my eyebrows. Oh how I love being pampered...
-----------You just won't believe it!!!!------------
June 29, 2012..
other than my daughters being born, by far, today was the best and most important day of my life.
Wednesday, two days ago, was my gender therapy session with my social worker. After the appointment with her, she made two future appointments for me. One with the Psychiatrist and the other with my primary care physician...and both of those appointments were today...back to back.
I'm still in disbelief..I know, get on with it...OK, here it is. The Psychiatrist and I had a really good talk. This was my first appointment with him and it went really well. He listened and ask questions, I was able to convey my life to him, my mental well being, my knowledge of how my transition to womanhood will affect my life and the changes that will come to my body and mind. After 45 minutes of discussion, he told me he would write a favorable report to begin "Hormone Replacement Therapy" or HRT. Yes, that's right...I didn't stutter, he gave authorization for me to begin my physical and psychological changes to womanhood. This means bigger butt, bigger boobs, smaller waist, loss of hair everywhere except my face and a few other places and I'm sure laser will do just as well every place I need it.
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Once I was finished visiting with the shrink, I met with my primary care Doc. His recommendation to me was to switch to a Primary Care at the VA in Tucson who has quite a bit of experience working with and prescribing Hormones to "Male to Female" or "MtF" Transgender gals. He was honest with me saying that I was his first Trans patient and would feel much more comfortable if I were treated by a medical professional with HRT knowledge and experience than he fearing that he, not knowing proper dosages of what med to prescribe and didn't want to unknowingly hurt me by giving me too little or too much. I thanked him or his honesty and am now waiting for an appointment with the Doc in Tucson.
What's all this boil down to? It means that within the month, I'll begin taking female hormones. This will put me physically in a place I've known for 50 years that I needed to be. I'm finally becoming a girl..that does sound silly doesn't it? Doesn't matter, I'm just ecstatic!
On the REAL plus side, (eat your heart out ladies) my I'm now 59 years old which means my boobs won't start to sag 'til I'm almost 100 (can you imagine "perky" at 90?), menopause won't hit 'til I'm about 95 and if there's any bitching done, for once, I'll be on the giving end instead of the receiving end.
As I've been doing, I'll keep you posted of my progress. Thanks for caring enough to read this LONG dissertation.
________disappointing Update__August 5, 2012__________
Well, in typical VA fashion, they're dragging their feet on getting my hormone therapy started. Last I wrote was over a month ago and I was so excited to finally be moving forward to have my body catch up with my mind. Seems the system of treating Transgender patients is so new to the VA that no one know's how to treat us, nor do the doctors care to learn. I spent the week of 4th of July running from one end of the Tucson VA Medical center to the other trying to find out who I'm supposed to see. Clinic after clinic, phone call after phone call, by weeks end I was so frustrated that I just wanted to say to hell with it and go on with my life.
I kicked myself (real hard) for even thinking of giving up and went on with my very up hill battle. I had to jump on my doctor and demand he do his job and live up to the VA's Directive of treating Transgender patients and even had to remind him that I'm not the only trans patient hes going to see as a doctor at the VA...unless he's planning on retiring real soon. Well, that got him off his butt and he ordered lab work for me to check hormone and testosterone levels. Well, that was July 13th. Here we are almost a month later and I have yet to hear from him about the results of my blood work nor do I have prescriptions for med's to begin my Hormone Replacement Therapy. I did get a copy of my letter of support from the Psychiatrist and if need be, I'll take it to an outside doctor to begin my HRT..damn I get so tired of prejudices and roadblocks. Yes, I even heard that one doctor mentioned to another that she would not treat Transgender patients!
I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow and will lay things on the table with her in hopes that she'll be able to light a fire under someone's ass to get the ball rolling.
I'm leaving Tuesday evening Aug 7th for the east coast and will hang out most of the time in the Nashville area to have my spine straightened by an old Green Beret Buddy who's now a Chiropractor. I fully expect that nothing will happen for me with the VA until I return in late October or November. One can hope though!
That's all for now.
______________quick update_August 7, 2012___________
I'm a happy girl again..
Got a call from my Doctor yesterday afternoon. He wrote a prescription for my testosterone blocker...I'll pick it up at the Tucson VA Pharmacy this morning. Will let you know what the med is that he's prescribed..once I have it my hot little hands..and I've taken my daily dosage.
__________The Bestest Update so far!!___________
Well, forget what I said on June 29th...it's no longer the best day of my life. Now August 7th 2012 is. It's the day I picked up my prescription of Spironolactone from the VA Pharmacy in Tucson AZ. I sat down and took the bottle from the bag..and looked at it..and looked at it, in total disbelief that I actually had a prescription, from a doctor, approved by the Psychiatrist for my official transition to become a woman. I didn't open the bottle for a while. Instead, I pulled out my smartphone and clicked on the browser to research the medication and find out just what in the world I had been given. Turns out it's a testosterone blocker that will bring my testosterone levels down equal to that of a genetic woman my age. When I get to Nashville next week I'll have blood drawn and my levels checked again. If all is OK and my system is tolerating the Spiro', my doctor will increase the dosage for me. Taking this medication, my body will soon lose muscle mass in my arms, chest, neck, stomach (yes, that's muscle...and not all table muscle), legs, feet and hands and my shoulders will narrow, fatty deposits will build in my hips and thighs, my skin will soften and my boobs will grow. My butt was stolen a long time ago and I have no idea if I'll be able to find it again.."but" I'll find out soon.
Nite all!!
Kris
---------September 5th, 2012 Update---------
Changes is a happenin'! Nothing major, just my boobs and skin texture. I've found that as my nipples enlarge and soften, as Steve, I'm not able to wear my nylon running shirt or my light colored t-shirts. The outline of my breasts and nipples are WAY too visible thru them.
Lab work 2 weeks ago showed no adverse effects from the testosterone blocker I'm taking. Doc prescribed 50mg a month ago and told me that if blood work showed good after 2 weeks he'd up the "Spiro" dosage to 100mg. Here we are one month on spiro and I received a new prescription in the mail today...another prescription of 50mg tablets...DAMNIT!!! What's so hard about follow thru? Doc's message to me last week even said he'd prescribe 100mg tablets..what's up with that??
AGAIN, frustrated with the VA's treatment of the transgendered. I have to wonder if all trans girls are getting the same treatment??
Kris
-------September 10, 2010-------
Change in plans. I'm on my way back to the west coast for a court hearing. I'll make a stop in Yuma at the VA to see if I can pick up a prescription of Spironolactone at the 100mg level to take on to San Diego with me. The trip is going well and fuel prices are thru the roof! Well over $4.00 per gallon. Shoulda gotten fuel in Tennessee where it was only $3.77 per gallon. When a fill up takes 120 gallons, 30 - 40 cents per gallon difference in price adds up quickly. Not really much to tell you here...just an update.
Kris
--------October 8, 2012---------
Another frustrated update
I didn't make it to San Diego. Got as far as Oklahoma City and was informed by my lawyer that other side got a continuance..so I turned around and headed back to Nashville.
Finally last week after numerous email's to my doctor, he wrote the prescription for 100mg of Spironolactone and I received it in the mail last week.
Got a call from my Doctor in Yuma last week. Talked about a number of things including my Transgender treatment. I ask specifically to be started on Estrogen. He flatly refused to prescribe the meds stating that I have to see a doctor in Tucson first (whom he says is a specialist in transgender treatment). I ask him to contact her and find out what lab work needs done, order the labs, I can get them done here in Nashville and he can read the results. Armed with those results he can simply email the lab results to her and find out what level of estrogen is required to treat me. He flatly refused to do this and said I have to see her first. I ask why..and reminded him that he's a doctor. He told me the same as he did the first time I sat down with him and that was that he's never treated transgender patients before and doesn't know how to. I again reminded him that he can simply order tests and ask the Tucson doctor to review and let him know how to treat me. That didn't work. He's pretty much refused to treat me from my first appointment with him. SO FRUSTRATING!!!
I thought, OK, i'm not getting anywhere with him. I ask him to order the required lab work and make an appointment for me with the Tucson Doctor for a date in late November. Again, he refused. I told him that if we wait until I get back to the southwest in late November, I'll again have to wait for lab work to be done, then wait a month or two to get in to see the doctor in Tucson. If he schedules now, that will save additional delay in my treatment. AGAIN, he refused and ended our conversation.
I have to now wonder...is it me? Is it because he doesn't want to abide by the VA Directive to treat transgender patients? Does he not have enough confidence in himself as a doctor to ask for help in administration of medications from someone else who he says is a specialist? I don't understand why he, as a licensed medical professional, is so hesitant to even to research how to treat me. Looking through the internet, there are so many resources from doctors who treat transgender patients all the time..who post treatment plans.
I called the VA Patient Advocate last Friday and ask for help. I also placed a call to the VA in Washington D.C. this morning asking for help. Will I get assistance from either of these or will I continue to be blown off?? Only time will tell. It would be a damned shame though to have to physically relocate to a different part of the Country permanently in order to receive transgender care.
Oh MY, another sucky update
January 5th, 2013
Well, the fifth wheel was totaled, replacement purchased and we (Angel and me) rolled in to Yuma AZ the day after Christmas 2012. That evening I sat down and typed up a message to my Doctor at the VA asking for a number of things..lab work and appointments and consults with other Doctors in the system for various medical issues.
About a week passed and I finally got an email back..not from my doctor, but from someone else in the office..just to inform me that I have a telephonic appointment with my doctor on January 24th and at that time, my doctor will discuss all issues I've requested.
Here I am, in Yuma AZ, and my doctor scheduled a telephonic appointment to discuss issues. If a telephonic appointment is all that's necessary now, why in the world couldn't a telephonic appointment be sufficient a few months ago when I was in Tennessee?? Doesn't make sense. Actually, I was really put off by this message. My doctor didn't even order lab work for me to check my hormone levels. Here it is, January 2013 and the last lab tests I took and increase in dosage of Spironolactone, was back in mid August. By the time I have my telephone appointment on the 24th, 5 months will have passed since the last blood work was done on me. The VA's Letter titled "Transgender Cross-Sex Hormone Therapy Use" dated February 2012 states clearly that when any medication change has been ordered, fasting blood tests are to be done 1 week after dosage change...and here we are almost 5 months down the road and I'm still awaiting my 1 week blood work.
I'm so frustrated by my doctor's apathy toward my Transgender treatment, I wrote the Clinic Director a couple days ago and fired him. In the letter I cited my fear that whether he's treating me for normal every day medical issues or Transgender Hormone Therapy, his reluctance to read VA documents I've forward shows me that he has no desire to improve his knowledge or abilities as a medical professional.
Once one puts in their vocabulary the words "I Can't" before they even try, they've failed themselves and all who are entrusted in their care. I actually feel that this doctor, if I were to remain in his care for treatment, could put my health, or worse, my life, in jeopardy!
Enough bitching for now...but I do wonder how much more time will pass before the VA starts me on Estrogen. I wonder if my blood levels are OK and if my liver function is normal.
I'm so pissed off at not only my doctor, but the Yuma VA Clinic that continues to allow inept medical professionals to remain on their staff!
---------------------------------Another Update-----January 18, 2013----------------------------
Have you ever wondered about your friends...what a friend is or is someone really your friend? Do you wonder what makes friends turn on you? Would a person who professes to be a friend throw you under the bus...when you haven't done anything to them? Do you think a friend would betray you for their own personal gain or stature in the community?
I found out just one week ago today that a friend of mine did just that. I've never had anything but positive conversations with this person and even encouraged him to run for office last year with my pledged total support. This was a friend who, in my position as Club Vice President, stood up for when the previous Club President crapped on him in a contest in 2009. This is the guy who is now Club President who just a few weeks ago told me that everything is running smoothly because he gets along with everybody. This is a guy who's President of a Ham Radio Club in the San Diego area that I've spent time as Vice President and President of.
This is the guy who I'm told "outed" me last week at a HAM Radio Club meeting in San Diego as a way to help build bridges between his Club (my old Club) and another east county club. This Club President who I've been told, outed me in front of the entire East County Club. I found out about this after a friend called me to tell me that this Club President passed him a piece of paper last week with the website URL to this site on it...and told my friend that he may want to take a look at the site. I then found out that other friends had been on this site who have nothing to do with either Clubs in east county...but is a prominent HAM Operator in San Diego.
All this happened just 5 days before a HAM Convention that I head up, kicked off. Excuse me, but, people are so fucking vicious! I have not been a member of the HAM Radio community since early last summer...but they thought it necessary to drag me through the mud....still!
Well, I can say their attempts to destroy me and the HAM Convention I run, backfired on them. I spent a good bit of the past year outing myself to my family, friends and colleagues, and, had already written the letter I wrote titled "Letter to my Family, Friends and Colleagues" last Saturday evening (you can find this letter by clicking on the button on my website with the same name). My plan was to send the letter out by email Saturday January 26th...but to put fires out, I already sent it out to prominent San Diego Hams.
A good number of these hams have written me with letters of total support.
Tonight was also the night that I found out not all my friends are supportive of me. Homophobic maybe? Because of a friends reaction this evening to me being transgender, Angel is now re-thinking our relationship. Geez this makes me mad. Damned closed minded people who out of ignorance think only perverts are being transgender.
---------------------Update - - - - January 25, 2013 -------------------
Hurt does come when friends...or those you thought were friends, become malicious toward you.
A few days ago I posted that a guy I thought was a friend maliciously outed me at an Amateur Radio Club meeting and yesterday I found that another "friend" sent email's to a large number of HAM Radio Operators in San Diego..including Club Presidents, which included nothing but a link to my website..this website. It was very malicious in intent.
A couple nights ago, Angel and I returned to our fifth wheel trailer at our HAM Convention to find an item of intentionally left in our screen room for us to find. It depicted both me and Angel and was left as an item that could easily be recognized in some municipalities and possibly state statutes as a hate crime. The following day, another malicious action took place on the radio which directly affected our Convention.
It appears that those responsible for the aforementioned actions, not only want to hurt me, they also want to scare Angel and force me to walk away from my Convention.
IS this something I should do? If they're attempting to destroy my Convention because it's me (us) who runs it should I let them win and walk away from an activity I love so dearly? Should I stay as the Convention Organizer out of contempt for their actions...to prove a point that they can't chase me off? If I stay as Organizer, will their actions against me, Angel and the Convention damage the Conventions reputation?
These are all questions Angel and I have to sort through in the next few days. I've worked too hard over the past 3 years to build Quartzfest to be one of the most respected Amateur Radio Events in the world...just to watch it be destroyed by a few asses. Our decision will come soon.
Bye for now.....
--------------Yep, another update----February 6, 2013-------------
Well, Angel and I decided not to step down or walk away from Quartzfest...we're already working hard on 2014's show. The clowns in San Diego who thought they could chase me away...failed.
The old saying, "the show must go on" lives! Folks who have attended Quartzfest since I took over as Organizer in 2010 have loved what I've put together for them in seminars and events. Whether I'm Steve or Kristyn, I'm still the same person with the same abilities and the same drive...maybe more drive now than ever before!
On another note, I had an appointment with my social worker today. Was really good to talk to her. First time since I left Arizona back in August and the old fifth wheel was totaled from Hurricane Isaac's rains. Tomorrow is an appointment with my Psychotherapist. Will be good to talk to him about my disappointment in the VA's treatment of me since he wrote me the letter with a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (GID) and the "go ahead" to begin Cross Gender Therapy.
Well, it's late so I'll call it a night...and hopefully have time or write more tomorrow after my appointment.
G'nite my friends.........
---------------- Update February 10, 2013---------------------
Sometimes life sucks! All my life I've been bothered by my need to be a woman...and have often thought about what if. What if I transition to womanhood? Will I lose friends? family? job? I wonder why I can't just be normal...be a guy..keep things as they are? Is there another way?
Unfortunately, I'm stuck with the brain and body that I was born with...yep, the one's that are not in touch with each other.
I'm getting off track a bit.
For someone normal, if they could make a choice between their children and changing their gender, hands down, they'd choose their kids and family.
Knowing that someday my transition would happen, 10 years ago, one of my daughters was starting her family and called to tell me that they know of my "Alternate Lifestyle" and gave me an ultimatum that I should stop doing what I'm doing (dressing as a woman) and get counseling or say good by to her forever. Even then I knew that I had GID or Gender Identity Disorder which gave me no choice but to say goodbye. I get the fact that she didn't want to raise her children (my grand children) with the knowledge that their grandpa wears womens clothes..and I respect her for that. Does it hurt that I've never seen her children? You're damned right it does! It hurts terribly! All because I have no control over the gender my brain tells me I am. If I could take charge of my thoughts and kick the GID out of my brain...I'd do it in a heartbeat..just to see my grandsons.
But, damnit, I can't!
Now that I've decided the time to transition is here, I talked to my oldest daughter and son in law back in July. I told them of my GID and pending transition. I've held out hope that she and her family would remain a part of my life..but that hope disappeared this evening.
Don't get me wrong, she and my son in law love me but as parents, they feel their boys (my grandsons) aren't old enough to know that their grandpa Steve is now a woman. I understand fully and knew when I decided to transition that I may lose them.
I guess I can equate this to the feelings you get when you lose a family member who's not been well for a period of time. You know that their days are numbered and you prepare yourself for their eventual passing...but when the pass, it hits you like a ton of bricks...and the loss you feel is enormous! The likeness of being distanced from both daughters children was fairly certain...but reading the letter from my eldest a few minutes ago...it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I do understand her reasoning...but that doesn't make things any easier. Being distanced from your Children AND Grand Children, well, IT HURTS DAMNIT! but there's nothing I can do about it. My life and transition must go on.
I have absolutely no idea how long it will be before I'm again able to see my oldest daughter, son in law or their children...nor if I'll ever see my youngest daughters children.
All the hiding I've had to do thus far in life because of this damned GID...has made my life difficult. Now, coming out of the closet and putting my body in sync with my brain...is causing more pain in my life. Damn I wish I could flip the gender switch and just be a normal man...happy with the cards I was dealt at birth. If only I could be a man with a family that isn't sheltered from me.
It really sucks to be an outcast because of my damned brain.
That's enough sniveling for now...and now on to happy thoughts.
Angel and I made another trip in to town yesterday. Hit Family Dollar for Laundry Detergent, Cold Stone Creamery for Ice Cream, then to the laundromat. I was a bit..no, a LOT nervous but did OK. Today we took off and our first stop was to be JoAnn's Fabric. We got half way there and "oh crap"..I had to use the restroom. I was dressed enfemme and didn't think I was ready to do the public women's restroom thing yet, we turned around and headed back to the RV. After a short stay in the trailer we headed back to town. First stop was the Goodwill. Picked up a beautiful dress for me and a few other odds and ends for the house. Next stop was WalMart. I did pretty good there but did get a few rude comments and gestures.
All in all, it was a super day. My confidence is WAY up from yesterday and I'm looking forward to our next trip in to town.
That's all for now...
See Y'all
-----------------Update - February 12, 2013------------------
Today was a good day...although I was Steve today, we got a lot accomplished...and had one hell of a discussion over dinner. That isn't what made it a good day, what made the day exceptional was an email I received from my youngest daughter. This was the first contact I've had with her in just a couple weeks shy of 10 years. Her email wasn't long...but did tell me that she loves me...even after our decade of separation due to my being Transgender. I have no idea if I'll hear from her again...but for now, I'm on top of the world again! for now anyway.
(May 2016...I haven't heard from my youngest daughter since that 1 email)
Having to be Steve today really sucked...as do most days that I appear as a guy. I lost my military ID card somewhere in the past couple weeks and had to visit the Davis-Monthan Air Force Base to get a new card. Presenting as a woman while attempting to convince Security Police that I was legit...just didn't make sense. The entire process took only about a half hour and I now have my replacement card. I did talk to the clerk about new ID after my name change. She said that's simple. All I need is the court order awarding me my new name and documentation from the Social Security Administration. She went on to tell me that as soon as I get my court order, to visit Social Security with my court order in hand. They'll work their magic and send me on my way...then take both court and social security documents to the DEERS clerk on base..and my new Military ID depicting my new identity will be issued.
I'm not into shock factor or confusing people, nor am I an "in your face" type of person. Although I'd love to present as a woman 24/7 for the rest of my life from now on, being in the position I am as Organizer of Quartzfest, I am well respected by many. Although I've posted my "coming out" letter on Facebook, I have yet to post on our Quartzfest Yahoo groups about my transition and many don't know about me being Transgender. We're going to a HAM Radio Fest in Yuma AZ this weekend where a large number of Quartzfesters will be attending. If I were to present as my female self with no forewarning, especially to those who don't have a clue I'm Transgender, the "shock factor" would exist and credibility I now have, would be shot dead in the fanny.
Our discussion over dinner was about my being on again/off again as a woman. I tried to explain to Angel but couldn't find the right words that being in transition has many steps. I've found that transitioning from man to woman is only the folder...and that folder contains many sub folders and files. Many of those sub folders are not only empty of files but they also have yet to be named. As I progress in my transition, these sub folders will not only be named, they'll be filled with file after file of things I've learned and done.
Right now, I'm learning how to present myself as a woman in public, I'm learning that my macho"guy" traits...are very hard to break. I'm learning that gently setting things down is more feminine than being a bull in a china closet. I'm learning that scarfing down food during a meal is far from ladylike. I'm learning steps to build my confidence while at the same time having to juggle my life and responsibilities while coming out to friends and acquiescence's in a courteous and kind manner. I've got to tell you, this is no easy task! I put in to place over a year ago, steps that I have to take to make my transition smooth for not only me, but those affected by my actions as well. I'm in the home stretch now with just a few things to take care of in the next week and from next week on, all will know of my transition...most will stand by me..and some won't..but I can't dwell on who I lose from my life..but the strength of character of those who stick by me.
Thus, we decided that me going full time as a woman will begin after the Fest in Yuma this weekend
I'm sure my love will be explaining her feelings on her page. The good thing about keeping our journals is not only are we able to keep open lines of communications, others in the same boat may benefit from our experiences.
------------------------ March 21st, 2013 -----------------------------
What a difference a month makes! I now longer own men's clothes and live my life now as a woman. I've come a long way since that first couple scary days of outings. I've come to realize that as I gain confidence in who I am as a woman, the less weird or rude looks I get from others. Going out now is no different to me than when I was a man. I'm very comfortable walking in a crowded Post Office, chowing down at a restaurant or sitting in a VA waiting room. I now look forward to going out as a woman. The fears I had, for the most part...are gone. And, as women, Angel and I enjoyed the Grand Canyon Nat'l Park a couple weekends ago. Two months ago who'd a thunk that I'd be starting conversations with others whom I didn't even know???
I have realized that the small things like what I wore last week to an appointment, are important...and I've learned that one doesn't wear expensive jewelry when working on antenna's or the truck 'cause (ahem) you just might lose a stone from your ring when the prongs bend.. YES, I speak from experience! dammit!
I've also learned that I can't wait to get on estrogen. Without it my beard and body hair are still as coarse as ever. Once estrogen gets in my system the hairiness will decrease and hairs will soften which will make the daily ritual of shaving before makeup...will become much easier.
(May 2016..I was wrong about estrogen softening my beard. It's still coarse and the only thing that'll help it is electrolysis. Estrogen did, however, get rid of my back hair, chest hair and decreased the hair on both my arms and legs. Those hairs are also now much finer more sparse).
More changes in progress....I have had breast growth. We realized this morning that I'm probably pushing a large "A" cup. Not bad for not being on estrogen yet. I can't imagine the changes I have to look forward to. I do have to say that some of the warnings I got from doctors about breast tenderness and pain...are hooey! I can say that I have a bit of tenderness but no pain is existent. Knowing the result of tenderness, I welcome it.
I did change my Amateur Radio Call Sign.
I'm headed to bed so that's it for now...
Thanks for reading and keeping up with my updates
Kris
-------------Long awaited update – June 30, 2013------------
It’s been a little over three months since my last update and oh how my life has changed!!
Two and a half months ago, in mid-April, I was prescribed Estradiol (estrogen). The effects of this medication are amazing. Although I’m only taking 1mg per day (along with 5mg Finasteride and 200mg Spironolactone), I’m seeing forward progress. Most notably is my breast growth. I wrote 3 or more months ago about having a large “A” cup…and now I’m quickly approaching a large “B”. Other noticeable effects of taking estrogen is that my hips and butt have increased in size while my waist doesn’t seem to be decreasing in size at all. My biceps and neck have dropped in size as has my strength. Angel says my facial features have become softer but I don’t notice it that much. My body hair seems not to have decreased at all but may be softening and becoming a bit thinner. One disappointing thing we’ve noticed is that although I had hoped that my male pattern baldness would reverse…it hasn’t!
Also since my last update, I haven’t heard a peep from my youngest daughter even though I’ve sent her “just because” email messages as well as a nice Happy Mother’s Day message. I’d have been happier if she never bothered to email me. I’d dismissed her from my life 10 years ago and when she wrote me a few months ago I had high hopes that we’d be able to restore our lost relationship. From not seeing my eldest daughter, I hurt! I miss her and her family dearly. After telling her I’d be in her town and would like to see her I was told that she had to do a lot of thinking and praying about it.
Of the losses throughout my transition, losing my daughters and grandchildren is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I can’t begin tell you how many tears I’ve shed over losing them and damnit it hurts. I have to wonder if the love I held for them will ever be the same. For self-preservation and to stop the hurt, do I erase them from my thought processes? Will I ever be able to rekindle the relationships we once had? Only time will tell…
On a positive note, I have gained a new family. You’ve heard me speak of Angel…well, from her mom and dad to her grandchildren, they’ve all welcomed as a part of the family. Life doesn’t get any better than that!
Life as a woman is good….in fact, I finally realized that regardless of the life I’ve lived or the clothes I wore, I’ve always been a woman. I’m more at home in my skin now than ever before. TO coin a phrase from Shania Twain, “I feel like a woman”. Whether grocery shopping or out for a night on the town, I’m comfortable and confident as the woman I am.
That’s all for now. Hopefully it won’t be another 3 months before my next entry.
Kris
____________________Late June 2013______________________
A friend and I were talking on the phone this evening. I don’t remember how we got on to the subject, but I mentioned that I can’t remember my life as a man. Now remember, I’ve been living my life as a woman for almost 3 months now and saying I don’t remember my life as a man does sound silly, but, I just don’t differentiate my life between being a man or a woman...my life just is.
I do remember all my life as a man thinking almost every day…damn, I wish I were a woman but the thought today of who I am…just doesn’t occur.
I tried to explain my feelings to her and had a really hard time…hell, I had no earthly idea how to explain what I was feeling. Then it dawned on me! Actually, the light bulb came on! Just this evening I realized that I’m finally the woman I’ve had dreams of being for at least 55 years (I’m only 59 years old). My mind and appearance ARE actually, finally, in sync with each other.
To say that I’m overwhelmed with emotions this evening is an understatement. I guess, really though, when you’ve kept a secret as long as I have, when you’ve had to hide your inner self, even from yourself as long as I have…when you’re finally able to live as the person you’ve always known yourself to be…it’s hard to control your emotions...the tears from joy of this realization ARE overwhelming. I’M HOME!!, yes, I’m finally home.
___________Long overdue update - November 18, 2013___________
I'll start out by simply saying, LIFE IS GOOD!!!
I spent a wonderful summer in the New Orleans area (Slidell) with my forever best friend, Angel..and her family (who have all adopted me as their own). I was there for many things but most importantly I was there for the birth of Angel's youngest daughter Gabbie's baby, Ryan. All her kids and grandkids are special to me and I love them so...
Leaving Angel in Louisiana was difficult but we do stay in contact multiple times each day. Life has gone on for me in Arizona where I've met so many new friends. Spending time with them is special to me.
My hormone therapy is going well finally. Lab work for my appointment last week showed exactly as I'd expected, my hormone levels are in the tank.Estrogen is way down. It was at 32 but our goal is close to 200 and Testosterone is way high. It's at 187...the exact same number I was at when I started hormone therapy 15 months ago. Testosterone goal is 50 or less.
On the bright side, my doctor is taking a safe but aggressive approach to my hormone therapy now. She increased both my testosterone blocker and Estradiol and we'll follow my levels closely until I'm stabilized with acceptable numbers.
Other changes..my legal name is now Kristyn Kathleen Weed and my legal gender is Female. I took my sisters first name as my middle name to honor her and her life that was cut short in 2009 by cancer. I've changed my name and gender with Social Security, the Military, the VA, my banks and the FCC. I had no idea how many places I have to change my identity. I should have made a list years ago.
The lawsuit I was dealing with in San Diego is finally over. I can now move on without that evil cloud over my shoulder.
I have knee surgery scheduled for December 11th so I'll be out of commission for a few days after that. I should be healed well in time for Christmas
Thats about all for now...until next time...
------------Time or another update May 12th, 2014-------------
My Transition is going very well!!
My knee surgery in December went well and I have to say that life is good not being in pain every time I walk. The next procedure was on March 3rd when I had shoulder surgery to remove bone spurs. What a painful ordeal this has been. The night of the surgery I quickly realized that I was having the most painful experience of my life. On a scale of 1 - 10, the pain level was easily at a 15. Taking pain medications, the pain just wouldn't subside and all I could do was lay on my friend Jen's couch and cry. It was a horrible experience to say the least. Now, 2 months later, the excruciating pain is gone but I'm still having positional pain...and I still can't lay on my right side.
Quartzfest, my HAM Radio convention in January was just amazing. This was my 4th year organizing the 8 day event and was my first year running the show as a woman. I have to tell you that the 557 people who attended were nothing short of amazing. I was so well received by everyone...well, there were a couple...but by the end of the week I think they realized that I'm the same person, regardless of what I look or sound like. I asked for volunteers to step forward to run the show next year as there has never been an organizer in charge over 3 years before. I was told by one young lady "this is your first year KRIS!". They want me to keep doing what I'm doing until I get tired of putting on the show. What a wonderful group of people!!
Arriving on April 7th, I'm back in the New Orleans area now visiting Angel and her family. Before I arrived in town, a friend who teaches at the University of Southern Alabama asked me to give a talk on being Transgender to her "Gender and Aging" class. I drove to Mobile Alabama on April 9th to give the talk and covered topics including personal, social and political struggles we as Transgender men and women encounter. The class lasted an hour and a half and I was not only able to talk, but answer the many questions the students asked. What an honor it was to be asked to do this.
Over the past year I've gotten involved with a few groups in the Transgender Community. I've been to a meeting with GLSEN in Tucson. GLSEN's focus is to stop bullying in schools against LGBT students. My schedule unfortunately has prevented me from further contributions. I'm a member of SAGA which is the Southern Arizona Gender Alliance and Transgender support groups at VA Medical Facilities in both Tucson AZ and New Orleans LA.
In New Orleans at the VA I finally found a doctor who not only understands Transgender patients, but knows how to treat us. She just increased my Estradiol (estrogen) to 4mg per day. This dosage will cause additional changes to my body as it brings my hormone levels to where they're supposed to be. The drawback....morning sickness!! Every time my estrogen meds have been increased I've experienced this not so fun part of my transition. Morning sickness typically only lasts a week or two...but it's no fun. A positive...I'm NOT pregnant!
Today is Mothers Day...my second as a woman..and did it ever feel good to be honored on this day.
That's about all for this update. Stay tuned for the next one which I hope will be soon with BIG news.
_____________Update - May 20, 2016_____________
Holy CRAP!!! 2 years since my last update
So much has happened in the past 2 years. I'm still involved with SAGA and the Transgender Support group at the VA. After 5 years, I gave up Quartzfest as Organizer after the show in January of 2015. In addition to our new Quartzfest Organizers, there's now a Committee planning the show and I've stayed on as a part of that committee. This past January's Quartzfest included a record attendance of 824 HAM Radio operators and their families. I'm now involved with the Radio Society of Tucson and this year I'm Field Day Chair in a joint event for both the Radio Society of Tucson and the Catalina Radio Club.
2015 was an amazing year. I met my partner, Amy, in May. She comes with 2 amazing kids. Her daughter is 14 and son is 11. We had our 1 year anniversary a couple weeks ago and she and the kids will be moving in with me in just a couple weeks.
Another amazing thing that happened to me in 2015 is that I was given a house (1689 sq ft) in Tucson AZ by Operation Homefront. They're partnered with Chase Bank, Tim McGraw and Carrie Underwood. Their mission, among other things, is to donate mortgage free homes to deserving Veterans. I'm honored to be the one selected for my house.
And, that's not all that happened in 2015. Amy and I took off in the RV for Miami for my surgery. Yes, I had Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) at the University of Miami Medical Center. More on that in a minute. We left Tucson in Mid July and made a stop in New Orleans where we spent a couple days relaxing in a State Park. Of course, no trip to that area is complete without making a run to Bourbon Street. Amy absolutely loved the mixture of cultures and the architecture of the French Quarter...and of course, we bought Handgrenade drinks to sip on as we wandered Bourbon Street.
From New Orleans, we dropped in on Angel at her Farm in Mississippi and spent a few days there with her and the family. After leaving Angels farm, we rolled in to Florida, made a stop in Tampa to visit some old friends of mine and then on to Miami (actually, Fort Lauderdale). Because I have a Pit Bull, we couldn't stay in Miami-Dade County so we opted for Fort Lauderdale in Broward County.
The day before surgery, we made a day-trip to Key West. What a beautiful city that is. We swam in the ocean at the far south end of the Key in the State Park. Water was sooo warm. We also took time to wander Key West's Old Town. Such a fun day.
Surgery was August 4th 2015. I was out and under the knife for 11 hours and spent 8 days in the hospital. I had no idea what to expect for pain, but, holy shit it hurt!! Thankfully the IV pain meds were easily available. My surgeon was Dr Christopher Salgado, Chief of the Plastic Surgery Department
Amy was such a big help and took such good care of me. After my Foley catheter was removed, she had to teach me how to pee...and taught me how to not only use feminine hygiene products, but also how to dispose of them properly. Percocet made my first days out of the hospital bearable.
Two and a half weeks after surgery, we took a day trip to Miami's South Beach and spent the day just a few feet from the ocean. I didn't swim...too soon after surgery and I damned sure didn't sit in the sand. I wasn't about to get sand in my new parts...I relaxed in my lawn chair while Amy sunned in the sand.
My last post op appointment was August 27th. Unfortunately, Amy had to fly back to Tucson for a job interview before my final appointment which made it necessary for me to drive back to Arizona pulling the 5th Wheel by myself. Healing went so well, I had no problem with pain driving home.
2016 so far has been almost as good as 2015. A few days after Valentines Day 2016 I had Rhinoplasty (a nose job) and I'm now awaiting a surgery date now for my eyelid lift.
From 3 years on Estradiol (Estrogen), my breast cup size is now a "C".
The photo at the top of this page is from a Photo Shoot I was in back in April of 2015. My 1st Modeling job.
That pretty much brings us up to date. Hopefully, soon, the VA will release a new directive that allows surgeries for Transgender patients which will allow me to have my Voice Feminization Surgery which will raise the frequency and resonance of my voice to within female speaking range.
Until next time.
73/88
Update November 19, 2016
Well, I'm no longer in relationship with Amy. Back in June I found out that she's been happily married for almost 20 years and she, her husband and her kids were all complicit in scamming me for money. She ended up coning me out of close to $8000 in the past year. That money included paying her and kids phone bills, buying the kids phones and putting them on my bill (Amy refused to return the phones to me), paying for repairs to her jeep, paying her truck and jeep insurance, paying for her dental work and paying for her eye exam and glasses. As good as she was, I'm sure I'm not the first person they've scammed.
On a positive note, I had my eyelid lift back in June (2016). I can not only see better now but I can also wear eyeshadow and see it.
I'm in a relationship now. Actually, I'm engaged to be married which will happen in early 2018. Being in this position, sexual activity is a must. Unfortunately, I'm in need of a couple surgeries. Explanation...after my genital reassignment surgery, I was reqrured to dialate my vagina daily, which I did. Unfortunately for me, the Dialators I was given by the VA weren't long enough and didn't go deep enough. The result, my vagina closed leaving me only about 3" or less of depth. Penetration with that little depth isn't possible with my fiance'. Another difficulty I have is that my clitoris has way too much tissue which leaves the nerves too deep for stimulation that's required for orgasm. Surgical procedures I still need down there are the surgery to open me back up, labiaplasty and clitoralplasty. Hopefully one day soon the VA will see fit to allow these procedures. It's been over 15 months since I've been able to orgasm. I so hope I don't have to wait much longer for the big "O".
It's cool that I've been able to be published (check out the articles in my "Media" page. I've also been asked to speak for a couple organizations. One is scheduled for November 30th via skype for a Gender and Sexuality class at the University of Southern Alabama in Mobile. The talk will be recorded so the professor can show the video to her other classes.
Next, I've been asked to speak at a metting of Transgender men and women in Prescott this coming February. That should be fun as well.
I've done a couple modeling gigs this year. Not paid, but fun none the less. Here are a couple pic's from those shoots.
I guess that's all for now...hugs to y'all...
Kristyn