I’m not even really sure how one goes about writing something like this. Even after a lifetime of living with this, and several years of being out to a handful of the closest in my life, I’m still learning how to say what needs to be said. Nonetheless, I will do my best to be both as succinct as possible, and provide enough foundation to hopefully help you understand. I sincerely wish there was a way I could have told you this face to face, and can only hope that my sincerity comes through in what’s written below.
You know me as Steve, but, I am transgender and my chosen name is Kristyn (but most friends call me Kris).
This is how I have internally experienced myself my entire life: From some of my earliest conscious memories, to this very moment my gender identity has been consistent within myself. I was not made this way by an event, or a person. Nor did I wake up one day and decide that maybe it would be more fun, more exciting, or more interesting to be a girl. I already was one. One does not decide their gender identity; it just is. All one needs to do is look inside themselves to see this is empirically true.
Writing it this way (in just one paragraph) oversimplifies what has been something that I’ve experienced and internally fought against my whole life. Undoubtedly this revelation will come as a surprise to many people who are reading this. I also know how hard it is to understand this, after all, God knows how much energy it took for me to come to terms with it myself. If there were any way I could continue my life without having to face this, please know I would, and I have tried. But I’ve come to realize over the last several years that continuing to live my life in a way that feels inauthentic to me isn’t viable, and unfortunately due to the implications of what I’m about to say, this cannot be a private thing. I am left with no choice but to face my fear head on.
None of us, whether we're changing (transitioning) to men or to women wake up in the morning and say to ourselves, "Hey, I think I'll ruin my life today. I'll tell my spouse and all my friends and business associates that I wear make-up and women's clothes"...and I'll tell them, "oh, and by the way, I'm gonna change my gender too, that'll really shake everybody up". Rather, we struggle with this part of our chemistry our entire lives. One of the saddest things about being Transgender is so many go to their graves after long lives, never being able to live life as they feel they should…being who the really are.
Can you imagine going through life with a secret so personal and sensitive that if you tell anyone, your life could be ruined. When I say ANYONE, I mean even your most trusted friend, your spouse! Your first concern would be, will your spouse stand by you or divorce you. Then you have to wonder, will your secret remain between just the two of you. Then, you have to wonder, if for some reason your marriage should end up in divorce, will your spouse blab your secret to your friends, relatives or business associates? I can tell you from firsthand experience that this does happen and has happened to me. Once we separated, my secret was out. This “outing” (by two wives) was from their moment of anger and desire to ruin me. I can also tell you that their actions have cost me dearly in familial relationships. Sure they have both apologized to me, but the damage has already been done and seems to be permanent.
Can you imagine living your life with this very real fear?
Being Transgender isn't a choice, it's who we are. God how I wish it was that simple. Being Transgender is a part of our chemical makeup that tells us our minds and our bodies are in the wrong formats or they're out of sync with each other. A Transgender woman was born a male but her mind tells her she's actually a woman. I can equate the feeling of being Transgender to that of my feelings with Tourette's Syndrome. With Tourette's, you can feel tic's coming and can do your best to suppress the tic's for a few minutes, but, they're gonna come back with a vengeance. When the tic's do come back they're the "I'll get even with for holding me back" tic's. The first tic's after suppression are typically strong and hard...and often times very painful. Being Transgender is very similar in that the Transgender person may enter in to a relationship with someone who's not supportive of their choice of dress. If this Transgender person feels a strong tie with their new partner and desires to continue a relationship with that person, they may not be honest with that person and put their own desires to express their preferred gender in the closet. This done, it won't be long before their need for gender expression is so strong that they begin sneaking behind their partners back to "dress up". Ultimately, their "need" to "be a woman" becomes so strong that it tears their relationships apart. This even happens if a transgender person is up front about their needs in the very beginning of a relationship. Their new partner may feel it's OK or even fun, but will very possibly change their mind down the road, devastating their transgender partner or spouse.
Highly misunderstood is that it is perceived that "Transgenderim" is about sex or sexual perversion or sexual deviance. I have to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. A fact of the matter is that being Transgender has nothing to do with sex. It isalso a fact that men may actually lose complete male sexual function during their transition to become women. Their genitalia severely decrease in size and sex drive decreases almost to that of a castrated man. During Transition, the hormones we take remove male levels of Testosterone and increase our levels of Estrogen which finally brings our minds and bodies in sync with each other and we become women...physically, mentally and emotionally (especially emotionally). All that's left for us then is surgery.
A not so well known fact is that due to cost, many transgender women are never able to really become whole. Surgery to physically change genitalia from male to female is so costly that it is cost prohibitive to most. I hear current cost in the U.S. for this surgery is well in excess of $30,000.
Society scorns us wrongfully assuming we're sexual deviants, employers refuse us jobs because they think we're perverts or "damned crossdressing faggots" (being Transgender does not mean the person is gay) and our families and friends turn their backs on us. Some who we considered friends will feel it necessary to do their best to negatively pass along information about us simply to get a “good laugh”. Because of the societal pressures we face, current suicide rates among Transgender people are currently at 41% as opposed to rates of less than 2% of "normal" society. In addition, a really scary fact in Trans men and Trans women is that a whopping 70% of them say they've considered suicide.
If you're wondering about me, those of you who know me know that I'm a pretty strong person and have learned to deal with life's pressures. And, NO, I've NEVER had thoughts of suicide!
At a very young age (4 or 5), I knew something wasn't right. I loved playing with my sister (cancer took her in 2009 damnit!) and loved girly things…..but how could I tell anyone? To say I was a bit confused would be an understatement! Hell, I’m still confused!
My life as a man has been good, but unfulfilled. Unfortunately, life has to go on and not necessarily in the direction you have in mind.
Out of high school, married and with a beautiful daughter, I realized my gas station attendant pay wasn't going to cut it...so, I joined the Army as a Paratrooper. During my career I spent time in elite units such as the 82nd Airborne Division and 10th Special Forces Group. In this profession, I was not only a very masculine leader, I was also very committed to my men, my unit and my country, and excelled in everything I did.
In 1988 I attended Special Forces Assessment and Selection Course (class 2-88) and was washed out because of my Tourette's syndrome. I returned to my home station and had a rappelling accident (70' fall) which resulted in an Honorable Medical Discharge. This course when passed successfully, qualifies Army soldiers to attend the Army’s “Green Beret” training.
After my separation from the Army, I worked as a civilian employee at the army’s finance and accounting office at Ft Riley Kansas. Not satisfied sitting behind a desk, I attended school to become a long haul trucker in ’92. While on the road, I pretty much lived as a woman 24/7/365. While on the road I had the freedom to be the woman I've always wanted to be but still had to uphold my male image when dealing with customers and my employers.
After living as a man for 59 years, my dream of someday becoming a woman is finally here. The road has been a long one, at times winding down an unfamiliar path, at times a real uphill struggle and times, coasting easily downhill. My born gender should have been “Female” because that's where my head and heart are.
Yes, my dream to be a soft, pretty, feminine woman has been a long time in coming and I have decided that now is that time to make my transition.
As life gives us dreams and opportunities, it also gives us friends who will support us, encourage us and believe in us. I'm happy to say I've recently found I have SO many of those friends who will be there for me, always. They are the kind of friends that will stand by you regardless of who you are, what you do or where your dreams take you.
I do know there are some who will not accept my transition. I want you to know that I understand fully and that' it's OK. You're living with your beliefs and values. I just hate that you and I will be separated. I also want you to know that my love for you or my friendship with you won't change and that I'll always be just a phone call, text message or email away should you want to rekindle our friendship at a later time.
I still maintain responsibilities that are Amateur Radio related. Yes I'm a HAM, advanced class, formerly KO4QT but now KR1SS and have been a HAM since 1985…and I have a long list of credentials in the hobby. My favorite of all is my current responsibility of putting on Quartzfest which is an event that has quickly become the biggest Amateur Radio gathering for RV'ers and Campers in the US and possibly even the in the entire world. Angel and I love the volunteer work we do putting on the show and we will continue our work as Organizers of Quartzfest until those attending get tired of us, or someone else steps forward to take over.
Lastly I want to express how grateful I am for you. If you are reading this it’s because our lifes paths crossed in some way. I do not take this for granted. I sincerely wish I could have told you this directly in person, but given where I am at in this process that’s just logistically and financially impossible.
For a few of you I know this information may be too much to take in, or you may have some objection to what I’ve said. Again, please know that I respect your right to your views, and I even understand where some of them come from. I sincerely ask for the same respect from you. I have not forgotten from whence I came, and you should know I struggled deeply with this issue for literally decades. But I cannot deny who I am any longer, the cost is too high. Hard as it may be to believe, I feel healthier both physically and spiritually since embracing this path. I feel more authentically human than at any other time in my life. I can honestly say it’s beautiful to be alive.
In the end, I’m still the same person – I am not going to run away from my past, or forget my past memories with any of you. But I would be remiss to say that transition does not bring some losses. It does, and this certainly represents a new chapter in my life and to a lesser degree the lives of some around me. But it also brings me a sense of hope I have never fully experienced before. Despite the change, I am still the same spirit inside, and so I hope that any sense of loss or sadness will not linger.
Please keep what I have just shared with you in mind if you find that you have a friend or family member who comes out as being Transgender. Do them a favor and embrace their strength and desire to be who they truly are, support them in their transition to “maledom” or “womanhood”, love them for who they are, not for what they wear of how they appear and remember that they are the same person you've always known and loved, regardless of what they wear or the new shape of their body. Their body and style of dress is changing, not their mind or personality!
The positive thing for Transgender people who transition is that they are now being true to themselves. They have the strength to tell you who they are. They have the strength to live a life that they've kept hidden, for most, over half a century. Please be their Support network, be their friends and be their family and love them as you always have. YOU are who we depend on...
Even though the hormone therapy I’m going through has only made minor changes to my body, I am now living my life as a woman (oh how I wish the hormones would alter the pitch of my voice). Don’t worry though, if we pass and you don’t recognize me as Kris, I’ll be sure to who say Hi.
73/88,
Kristyn Weed –KR1SS